Woops-A-Poof!

Once Upon A Time...there was a humble group of players. The Gypsy Players, they called themselves. In their first year of performance, they wrote a tale of love and loss and hobgoblins. This is that story. This is a script for the performance of a most wonderful story simply entitled...

Woops-A-Poof

Princess:

Hello boys and girls! I’m here to tell you a story. It’s all about me...but part of it isn’t. (Rant about random stuff that is totally off subject. )

Director:

Stop stop stop!! This is all wrong. You’re not supposed to do this part!

Princess:

Uhhhhhh????

Director:

Narrator!!

(Narrator appears and “stage hand” drags princess off stage while she’s protesting)

Much better. Action!!

Narrator:

Let me get back to the story. You see, it all started once upon a...

(Big Crash heard from back stage)

Fairy:

WOOPS-A-POOF!!

Narrator:

(Sigh) Yes, it all started once upon a woops-a-poof

(Princess hangs up a sign that says ‘Frank the Ogre’s Cleaning Service’ and Frank appears)

Frank:

(Phone Rings) Frank Ogre’s Pool Cleaning Service. How can I help you?... (Muffled voice is heard off stage) Sir, calm down! What’s stuck in your pool? A bat? OH! Your cat!! I’ll be right there!...No, no sir whatever you do, don’t pull on his tail!!!!

(Starts to leave, but Princess shows up)

Can I help you?

Princess:

There were three leaves in our pool today and my stepmother insisted that I come see you to have them removed. Do you do that sort of thing?

Frank:

Uh huh

Princess:

(pulls out her card and accidentally pulls out the Fairy’s card and drops it) Uh...okay. So just call me as soon as the cat gives you back your tongue and we’ll set up an appointment...(waits for reply) Alright...well...have a good day.

(Leaves)

Frank:

Oh, wait!! You dropped you...personal fairy godmother’s card! YES!! Now I can call the fairy godmother and she can turn me into a handsome prince, and then the princess will fall in love with me, and then we will be married, and then, we will live happily ever after!!! HUZZAH! (Happy Dance!)

Princess:

(coming back in the door) I’m sorry I forgot my...uh....nevermind... (backs out door)

Frank:

(Random expression of *crap*) Happily Ever After, here I come!!

(Leaves)

Narrator:

A few moments later, at the office of the Princesses personal Fairy Godmother, nothing was going right...

Fairy:

(Pointing wand at the Phone) Ring! (odd crash heard) Ring!

Frodo (from LOTRs):

(rolling onto the stage, confused)

Uh....ring?

Fairy:

Thanks for the effort, but you’re in the wrong story. Sorry bout that.

(Harry looks sad and walks off as the fairy returns to the phone)

Ring! Ring! Ring! (Doorbell) (To audience) Not what I was going for, but hey it works. (back) Come in!

(Enter Frank)

Hello, my dea.....oh, hi...who are you?

Frank:

Frank

Fairy:

I see

Frank:

Who are you?

Fairy:

I am the Fairy Godmother Allora! What can I do for you?

Frank:

I’m in love with a beautiful princess! Please, will you turn me into a handsome prince so that she will fall in love with me?

Fairy:

Of course I’ll help you! (Turning aside) I can do this! I can do this! I will not screw up!

Frank:

Uh...miss fairy?

Fairy:

Yes, alright here we go. First I’ll make you sound like a prince.

Frank:

This won’t hurt will it?

Fairy:

Oh stop squawking!!! (Magic noise)

Frank:

SQUAWK!!!! (freaking)

Fairy:

Woops-a-poof!

sorry sorry! (SQUAWK) Here let me fix it!! (magic noise)

Frank:

Oh YEAH!

Fairy:

Woops-A-Poof! Here, one more try! (magic noise).....say something.

Frank:

Cookie

Fairy:

Oh good! Sorry about that! How do you feel?

Frank:

(random words) (He’s shocked and tries again but to no avail)

Fairy:

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear....it’s okay! I can fix this...I can fix this...I can, I can....Oh I can’t do this. I have a confession to make. I’m not very good at this whole magic thing.

Frodo:

(Runs in excitedly) Well maybe I could help?

Frank and Fairy:

No! (Frank tries to say no but says something else instead, Harry exits sadly)

Frank:

(More random words)

Fairy;

Ever since I was a little girl I’ve had these magic powers and I always dreamed of being a Fairy godmother. But when I was 12 my sister made pooky the family dog dissapear. And try as I might, I couldn’t make him reappear. Ever since then, no magic I do ever works out right. I keep trying to help people...but I can’t do anything right!!! (Crying)

Frank:

(Comforting tone) Random words

Fairy:

But I’m not going to give up...there has to be something we can do...I know! The Wizard! The Wizard has a giant book of magic and there has to be a spell in there to reverse this and one to turn you into a prince too!

Frank:

(Encouraging) random words

Fairy:

Come on Frank! I know the wizard can help us. Maybe he can even fix my magic!

Frank:

(Excited) random words

Fairy:

I couldn’t have said it better my self.

(They exit)

Narrator:

Meanwhile in the witches lair...the evil witch was watching everything in her crystal ball....

Witch:

(Evil laugh) Shnogg!!!!

Shnogg:

Yes Mistress!

Witch:

One should never laugh alone

(both laugh)

Your laugh isn’t nearly evil enough...work on that won’t you?

That silly ogre has no idea what he’s in for! Once the wizards magic book is in my possession I’ll be able to control the fairy’s magic and turn them all into lawn gnomes!!! hahahahahahahahaha

Shnogg:

Begging your pardon Mistress but didn’t the last person you tried to turn into a lawn gnome actually turn into a butterfly who is now living happily among the fairy people?

Witch:

Will you stop bringing that up?? I shall smite you with lightening!!! (magic noise)

Shnogg:

(Being tickled) adlib

Witch:

Oh Flagnogs!!!! *sigh* Nothing I do ever turns out evil! Ever since my sister, “the good fairy” Allora made our dog disappear when we were 12, I can’t seem to do any of the magic spells I want to. (To Shnogg) Will you stop it already!!??!!

Shnogg:

(finally stopping laughing) I’m..(snickers)...I’m sorry Mistress. So how do we get the book away from the wizard?

Witch:

Here is the evil plan. First I will train a cat to find the wizards house, then I will turn us into fleas and we will hop on the cat and ride all the way there. Then we will sneak under the door turn back into ourselves and grab the book. Then I will turn us into eagles and we will fly to a bus station and catch a bus that will take us home and away from the wizard and his friends. And then I will turn them into lawn gnomes! ahahah!

Shnogg:

Excuse me Mistress...but...wouldn’t it just be easier for you to *poof* us to the wizards house and then we could grab the book and then you could *poof* us back? Ya know, save on bus fare?

Witch:

Wait Shongg, I have a better plan! I will poof us to the wizards where we will grab his book and then I will poof us back! We’ll save on bus fare!l

Shnogg:

Wonderful idea Mistress!

Witch:

Come Shnogg! We go!!!!

(They Exit)

Narrator:

Meanwhile at the wizards study, unaware of the evil witch’s plan to turn them all into lawn gnomes, the fairy and Frank were explaining their situation to the wise old wizard.

Wizard:

Now let me see if I’ve got this straight. You(Pointing to Frank and sneezing) want to be a prince, but now the fairy’s magic messed up your voice. And you( pointing to the fairy and sneezing) tried to help but don’t know how to work your magic that well. And..ah.ah.ah.ah.AAACCCHHHOOOOO!!!!!

FRank:

words

Fairy:

I agree Frank. It seems like you’ve got quite the cold mr. Wizard!

Wizard:

Oh forgive me, it’s my allergies. They always act up this time of year. Well now let’s see what I can do. Stand back sir. okay now ‘this ogre is ugly, and talks funny too, help his voice return to normal so he can find a love that is...is...tru..tru....achoooooo!!!!!!!!!!

(Princess stumbles onto stage, confused)

Princess:

Uh...woah....like where am I?

Wizard:

Oh dear. It seems that my allergies have made quite a mess of that spell. I accidentally made his true love appear instead of making his strange voice disappear!

Princess:

Uh, Frank, what’s going on?

Frank:

uhhh...(mumbles and makes strange noises trying not to talk. Turns and begs to wizard)

Wizard:

Alright here we go again.

Fairy:

(To Princess) Take Cover!!! (They hide under a table or behind a stump)

Wizard:

(clears throat) okay! “This guys voice sounds really horrible, help it to return to normal”

Princess:

(approaching frank) Frank?

Frank:

Frank Ogre’s Cleaning Service. How can I help you?

Princess:

Oh Frank!

(Loud crash is heard, Witch and shnogg *humph* on stage)

Witch:

*Poofing* places is way overrated!

Shnogg:

I see stars!!

Witch:

All right listen up. (Turning to Allora) Hello, sister!

Fairy:

Agnes! I see you’re still doing that whole evil witch thing. How sad.

Witch:

(sticks out tongue ) I’m here for the big book of magic, so just give it to me and no one gets hurt.

Wizard:

(Approaches to say something but has his biggest sneezing fit yet and it blows him all the way off stage)

Witch:

I will take that as a “Yes please take the book. and have a nice day”

Wizard: (offstage)

N....n...no...achooooo!!

Frank:

We had better make sure he’s alright!

Princess:

You’re so brave!!

(They Exit)

Witch:

Fine. Then I challenge you to a magic battle. the winner gets the book!

Fairy:

You’re on!

Witch:

Prepare to meet my ferocious beast!! hahaha

(Beast appears and growls...runs over to fairy, mews, hugs her and leaves)

Fairy:

Aww how cute! Now prepare to meet my ferocious beast!

Witch:

Uh where is it?

Fairy:

I...uh...I don’t know. Hmmm....

Witch:

Do you see a ferocious beast Shnogg?

Shnogg:

BARK!

Witch:

Shnogg?

(Shnogg runs around acting like a dog)

Oh great you turned him into a dog. It isn’t enough that you made our dog pooky dissapear when we were little but now you’ve made my hobgoblin think he’s a dog??

Fairy:

ME? You’re the one who made pooky dissapear!! And Shnogg is much cuter as a dog! Come here Shnoggy! Come here! Good boy!

Witch:

That’s it you’ve done it prepare for my worst spell yet.

Fairy:

Well here comes mine too!

Witch and Fairy:

Bibbity, Bobbity, BOO!!

Frank: (offstage)

YYYYYYYAAAAAAOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Witch and Fairy:

Woops-a-poof!!

(Frank, princess and wizard enter. Frank is a prince and is holding the princesses hand)

Frank:

You did it!! I’m a prince!!

Princess:

Oh Frank! I love you!

(They embrace)

Frank:

But how did it happen?

Wizard:

(to witch and fairy)

You two have very powerful magic. It’s unlike any i’ve ever seen before. But it is only when you use your magic together that you truly have the power to help others. What do you say sisters? Could you learn to work together?

Fairy:

Well.....I think so! What do you say sis?

Witch:

Well I...I...but I’m mad at you! You made pooky dissapear and I vowed to be evil until I could make him reapear! Do you see him any where??? huh? Do you??

Wizard:

I have a confession to make girls. Years ago I was good friends with your father. I was visiting your house in the spring time. Terrible pollen in the spring you know. Well I was casting a small spell and I sneezed and your dog, Pooky, who was sitting right in front of me suddenly turned into a hobgoblin!! I’m sorry I never told you girls. I thought it would be best that way.

Fairy:

Oh Wizard. It’s alright!

Witch:

Wait? A hobgoblin you say? Why it was the day after pooky disapeared that I met Shnogg and kept him as my hobgoblin. I wonder.....

Fairy:

You don’t think....

Fairy and Witch:

Pooky?

(Shnogg looks, runs over and jumps and barks etc)

POOKY!!!!!

Witch:

You’ve been with me all along!!

Fairy:

So what do you say Aggie? Can we work together?

Witch:

Of corse! I’d love to. But if we’re going to be traveling around helping people I’ll have to find a good home for...uh...shnogg...pooky....Shnookie!!!!

Wizard:

Don’t look at me! Hobgobblins shed too much! *Sneeze*

Princess:

Oh Frank, he’s so cute. Can we keep him??? PLLEEAASSEE???

Frank:

Oh okay. How are you at pool cleaning boy?

Shnogg:

BARK BARK

Everyone laughs and freezes.

Narrator:

And so, everyone was going to live happily ever after! Frank and the princess were going to be married and keep Shnog...oh uh...Shnokie as their pet. The Wizard had finally gotten rid of a silly secret and he felt much better. And Allora and Aggie were off to work together to help people all over the kingdom. But...it seems like we’re forgetting something...hmmmm

Stage Hand:

Excuse me! Phone call for a Mr. Frank Ogre?

Frank:

Oh yes that’s me. Thanks. Hello. (!#$^&*)(*&%#@$%^) Uh sir please calm down, what? (@#$%^&*(&^%^) OH! Sir I’m so sorry I forgot all about your cat stuck in your pool! I’ll be right there I promise (^%$#$%^) Yes I’m hurrying, I’m hurrying!!!!!! Goodbye sir.

(Hangs up phone and silence ensues)

Frank:

Woops-a-poof!!

Everyone laughs

(The End :D )