Sometimes...

Sometimes I'm convinced that this can't be my life...

I know that on some level, I'm just sitting at a giant TV screen watching through the eyes of someone else. I had strange dreams last night, you see. They were filled with death ...not in the creepy way mind you, but in a way that just felt like loss. Normally my instinct is to wake up from these dreams. The goal is to wake up and discover that nothing is really missing. But, I did not wake this time. The dream lasted long into the night, and when I did wake up this morning, it was with a lingering feeling that the dream remained in the slants of snow-filtered light pouring through my shades. And, in that light, live all the Lost things.

Lost friendships. Lost loves. Lost opportunities. Lost ideas and inspirations. All the things that once slipped out of my life floated next to the dust specs in the shining air when I opened my eyes this morning. The truly sad part is, I can't remember for the life of me how, when, or why I lost them. Some friends moved. Some loves were not meant to be. Some opportunities were passed up in waiting for better ones. And, some ideas are best forgotten in the deep places of the mind. These are things I realize. I am no fool, (most the time). I do not expect my life to remain unchanged, although I might wish it would. But, still. If all those Found things so easily became Lost things, can anything ever be permeant? Can there be any lasting truth to the world? Or will all things some day be lost? Not lost as in dead or gone, but as in Forgotten. Must all the world be Forgotten?

Viva Quad Vegas or Never Fight With a Pirate Wearing Makeup

Every year around this time, the Quad at CU teams up with Hallett to present the most amazingly awesome program even known to man:

Viva Quad Vegas!

About a week and some change before the program, I get a call from my friend Chris. All he say is: "So, Becca... Can I borrow your video equipment?" I should have known then and there that this was going to lead to both a great time and a whole heap of trouble.

We ended up completing the shooting of the video in a single day; this was no easy task considering that we had to costume and makeup 5 different characters- two of which were a Pirate and an Egyptian.

But filming ended and we were all hanging out in the hall laughing and having a grand old time. Then it happened. I'm still not totally sure what "it" was but one minute I was getting into a scrap with the pirate and the next thing I know there was an odd cracking sound, a general feeling that something was wrong, and I realization on my part that I couldn't breath through my nose. But you know what the worst part is? I broke my nose and didn't even get outta a single day of class. Depressing right?

Moral of the story, kids, is

Never Fight With A Pirate Wearing Makeup!

But please enjoy the final product of our labors! Here, without further adieu, is Viva Quad Vegas!

Viva Quad Vegas! from Becca Stephens on Vimeo.

Dreamsong

Hello All!

While I'm at it, I'm also going to be uploading videos that I've made over the last few years. Some are silly, some are strange, and all were a blast to make.

This first video is called Dreamsong after the series of poems written by John Berryman. The audio feed is of a live reading which Berryman performed of his poem, Dreamsong 1. The song is from the "Finding Forester" soundtrack, and the video is a visual interpretation of what the heck I think Berryman might have been talking about.

When I was looking for actors, I vaguely remember the conversation going something like:

Me: "Hey Ryan, what are you doing over break?"

Ryan: "Uh....nothing."

Me: "Will you and Jordan and Ami help me with this video?"

Ryan: "What would we have to do?"

Me: "Uh......nothing....much....really."

Ryan: "Okay."

This was the clever way I bamboozled them into wearing creepy clothes and make-up, standing outside in the cold for hours on end, and flinging fried chicken all over the place (sadly, that clip did not make it into the video).

But, the people who helped me with this are pretty much amazing! So a big thanks to Jordan, Ryan, Ami, Rhain, and Bethany. You all played creepy really well!

This was filmed about two years ago, so if any of you are reading, thanks to everyone who helped me film. :D

"Once in a sycamore I was glad/ All at the top..."

~John Berryman

Dreamsong from Becca Stephens on Vimeo.

I Want to Write You A Song...

I know I haven’t been around very long, but I still just want to write you a

song.

Something sweet like I wish you could be.
Something soft like I wish you would whisper to me.
If you only knew.
If you knew what you could do.
If you only knew what you could do to me.

If I wrote the words into all eternity, immortalized them into infinity, well

maybe then...

maybe then you would see...see more to me.

Do you think of me as the competition? Or am I not worth that much

suspicion?

Do you think of me as dumb cause I can’t spell, write, divide, or add when you’re around? Am I being over zealous? Or perhaps a little jealous? Maybe you don’t think of me at all.
If I only knew.
If I only knew what I could do.
If I only knew what I could do to make you see me.

If I let you choose the melody could you make it something simple and

free?

Keep time with a quiet drum and give your guitar a strum.
I’ll lay the words down at your feet, praying to God to give us a beat.
We could try it out if you’d like, or throw it into the fire and I’ll just hop on my bike.
Life is really all about give and take, but how much is truly at stake?
Do we have time to sit and stare, making rhymes into thin air?
If I only knew.
If you only knew.
If you only knew what you could do.

You could stick around and I will have found a purpose so profound.
You could let me win but then again I would still lose.
You could hold me tight in the delight of wavering melodies.
You could call me dear and kiss me here and wish me goodnight.

If you only knew.

I know I haven’t been around very long, but I still just want to write you a song.

Something sweet like I wish you could be.
Something soft like I wish you would whisper to me.
If you only knew.
If you only knew what you could do.
If you only knew what you could do to me.
If I wrote you a love song,
would you sing along?

I still just want to write you a love song, so you’ll sing along.

Dimmi...

If the stars could tell my story to the wind would it sound like the crunch of dirt beneath my tires?

Dimmi, ragazzo,

Com’è il mondo?

È bello? È brillante?

È pieno di gioia?

È triste il mondo? Ha più problemi di quel che ha sogni?

Per piacrere, dimmi ragazzo,

Voglio saperlo.

(Tell me boy,
How is the world?
Is it beautiful? Is it brilliant?
Is it filled with joy?
Is the world sad? Does it have more problems than it has dreams?
Please, tell me boy,
I want to know.)

Dimmi, ragazzo,

Quante stelle ci sono?

Domani, ci saranno più stelle di quel che ci sono oggi?

Di dov’è il sole?

C’era nascere dal fuoco e dalla luce?

Chi ha fatto la luna?

Io la guardo la notte.

Per piacere, dimmi ragazzo.

Voglio saperlo.

(Tell me, boy,
How many stars are there?
Tomorrow, will there be more stars than there are today?
From where came the sun?
Was it born from fire and light?
Who created the moon?
I watch her in the night.
Please, tell me boy,
I want to know.)

Dimmi, ragazzo,

Com’è il cuore?

Quante volte si può fermarlo

Prima il corpo diventa freddo?

Se io fossi gli occhi che cosa vedrei?

Quando si apre la mente diventeremo liberi?

Per piacere, dimmi ragazzo.

Voglio saperlo.

(Tell me, boy,
how is the heart?
How many times can it beat
Before the body becomes cold?
If I had eyes what would I see?
When will we open our different minds to freedom?
Please, tell me boy,
I want to know)

Dimmi, ragazzo,

C’è il futuro?

Può prevedere il futuro il sognatore?

Sono realiste, indecise le previsioni?

Avere un sogno nel cassetto è fare castellin in aria.

Ma avere un sogno è superare.

Le persone dimenticheranno i rimpianti?

Posso sapere l’imprevisto?

Per piacere, ragazzo.

Voglio saperlo.

Ho bisogno di saperlo per diventare un filosofo come Lei.

(Tell me, boy,
How is the future?
Can you foresee the future of a dreamer?
Are they real, actual visions?
Having a secret dream is building a castle in the sky.
But having a dream exceeds all.
Do the people forget their regrets?
Can people know the unexpected?
Please tell me, boy,
I want to know.
I need to know to become a philosopher like you.)

Io ti amo piu come il sole ama la luna.

I Hope...

I hope this isn't stupid.

I'm hoping that maybe it will help me fix everything. Sometimes, there's just all this stuff that I want to say, but it's stupid and wrong. Tonight I miss. I haven't in a couple days...which shouldn't be a big deal. But every time, it makes me scared again. It's true-I'm afraid of being alone.

You know, I saw a movie tonight; part drama, part action, part romance. Those make me afraid too. Cause after I parked the car and was walking up the hill alone, I realized, not for the first time, that if something happened to me...if I was abducted, assaulted, or if I just disappeared of my own accord, it could easily be days before anyone knew I was gone. That is my definition of alone. Sometimes it makes me wonder how long before someone comes looking. I want that person to be. I know I'm a dramatic, eccentric, childish fool of a girl. I know I ask too much and I make big deals out of small occurrences. But I once fell in love. Remember? It took over a year of trying. But one day, I told you I loved while under the stars. From that day, I have loved more than I know how to say. I love fiercly, passionatly, and with a kind of blind abandon that is sure to kill me one day...And my affections do not wane. They do not fluxuate. Somedays, I hate. But even then, there is nothing on this Earth I wouldn't give to keep the world from turning.

So, tonight I miss. I wish it would go away. But it won't...and that's okay. Tomorrow's a new day...and if I'm still silent, perhaps I will hope again.

They Say...

They say be careful what you wish for because in the end you just might get it. I say be careful what you wish for because you just might not.

In fact be careful what you hope for, what you think about, what you think you know, what you think is certain, what you know is certain, and what you're certain you know. Things have a way of disappearing in front of your eyes the moment you open them. Don't count your wishes before they become chickens, and never chickens before they lay eggs that hatch. Don't even think you'll have eggs for hatching wishes or chicklets until you're sure that the chicken wants to be in the coop to begin with. For things in this world are merely those lost to another. And in the end what crooked tale do we tell, but that of a Universe of all that was Lost and Found–a giant cardboard box with the retainers, glasses, and tattered jackets of those who feel they have lost what they cannot remember should have been found. But you see, that is a horse of a different color. Oh, if only wishes were horses. If wishes were horses, and I had a penny for every wish who lost the race, I'd bet on the Kentucky Derby...but all things considered, I'd most likely lose. My wish is gone and as they say there is little use in beating a dead horse.

In the end, I suppose that's all that can be said. After all, if wishes were horses and horses were fishes, then we would all drowned and be dead.

But, perhaps this all makes very little sense. After all, my creative writing professor often told me that my writing, and hence my mind, was prone to the dramatic and the archaic. However, in my line of work, that is very rarely a bad thing. What does that professor know anyway? His name was Abe and his favorite word was "Pumpkin." ...of all the beautiful, enchanting, and thrilling words in the entire English language, whose favorite word is "Pumpkin"? People named Abe, that's who.